Worship and Marriage

Last week we started to consider the “when and where” of family worship. Today, I want to consider the ways that we worship God through the institution of Christian marriage. Let me start, though, by saying that I recognize that this subject doesn’t apply equally to everyone here. Some of you are too young to marry or are just single at this moment, for whatever reason. I encourage you to hold on, because I intend to end with some ways that the subject of marriage applies to everyone. I want you to understand that a Godly, Christian marriage brings glory to God as it honors the relationship of Christ and the Church. Let’s read Eph. 5:22-33 together. There are three characteristics of Christian marriage that I want you to notice from this text: Submission, Sovereignty, and Sanctification.

Let’s start by considering the 800 pound gorilla in the room: Submission! Paul starts this section of Ephesians by exhorting Christian wives to “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” I say that this is a heavy subject for several reasons. For one, no American likes to be told that he or she must submit to anyone. Second, husbands have a long, sad track record of using this passage as an excuse to abuse women. So, I want us to better understand this passage by considering what submission is not, and what it is.

First, submission is not just a command for wives. If you back up to verse 21, you will notice that Paul has just finished exhorting every believer to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” From verse 22 of Chapter 5 through chapter 6, verse 9, Paul sets out to explain in detail how Christians should submit to one another. So, the theme of this whole passage on marriage is one of submission, for both husbands and wives. Husbands are to submit by loving their wives as Christ loved the church, and wives are to submit to their husbands as head of the family.

Second, submission is not subjugation. You will notice that Paul directs the command to submit directly to the wives. He doesn’t say, “husbands, make sure your wives toe the line!” So, submission is a voluntary act by the wife in obedience to Christ, first. Paul even sets it in those terms. He tells wives to submit just as the church submits to Christ. Also, understand that submission to your husband does not supersede your obedience to God. If your husband is abusive or is trying to get you to carry out some sin or is making you complicit in his own sin, your first obligation is to the Lord, and you have every right to resist him and defend yourself and others.

However, submission is not an “if…then” requirement. It is a common practice for pastors, when they preach these verses, to link the wife’s submission to her husband to the husband’s love and faithfulness to Christ. It is true that only three verses of this passage are spent on wives and the other nine are spent on husbands, but that doesn’t mean that wives only have to submit if their husbands meet every letter of the law. As many times as I have heard men try to use this passage to justify subjugating their wives, I’ve heard twice as many wives who used this passage to justify their own selfishness and even adultery. 1 Pet. 3:1 says, “wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” You can see that Peter uses the same concept of submission, but he applies it to wives who are married to unbelievers. Both wife and husband are obligated to the Lord, and they each show that obligation through the marriage relationship, regardless of the obedience of the other spouse.

So, to understand what submission is, we need to move on to the second characteristic of Christian marriage: sovereignty. At the core of this whole passage is the concept that theologians call “Sphere Sovereignty”. It is the idea that God has established a certain order to this world, and he has given authority to certain institutions or positions within that society. To see this very plainly taught, I’d encourage you to go read 1 Pet. 2:13-3:7 for your Lord’s Day reading. In the Bible, generally, we find five positions of human authority: Government, Masters, Pastors, Husbands, and Parents. Paul tells all Christians, in Romans 13:1, to be subject to the governing authorities, for they have been established by God. In Eph. 6, Col. 3, 1 Tim 6, and 1 Pet. 2, servants are commanded to obey their masters as though they are obeying God. So, here, wives are told to be subject to their husbands as though they are being obedient to Christ.

But this idea of sphere sovereignty brings up a dreadful task for the one in authority. Thus far, husbands, you might be feeling like king of the world. Before you get the idea to quote this passage as you grab your fishing pole and head out the door this afternoon, consider another principle of sphere sovereignty: the one with greater authority is judged by a higher standard. For example, James 3:1 warns that not many should become teachers because they will be judged with greater strictness. In the same way, husbands, our standard is not whether we are better than other husbands or better than our fathers-in-law. Our standard is Christ. Notice, in verse 25, Paul says that husbands should love their wives in the way that Christ loved the church: by dying for her. 

Then, Paul goes into the ways that husbands should exercise their authority in the relationship, which brings me to my third characteristic of Christian marriage: sanctification. Paul parallels the ways in which Christ sanctifies the church as a model for the ways in which the husband should sanctify his wife. First, just as Christ cleansed the church through his gospel, so too husbands should cleanse their wives through the Word of God. Men, our calling as the head of the family is to exemplify Christ to our families, and the number-one way that we do that is by ensuring that the Word of God permeates our marriages. 

Second, just as Christ presents the Church to God as cleansed and holy, so too husbands are to lead their wives in purity. This means that above everything else that we value about our wives, we must value their holiness. We must want them to grow closer to Christ more than we want them to be infatuated with us! And, we can’t do that if we ourselves are not pursuing holiness in Christ. We can’t do it if our minds are so full of worldly expectations of beauty that we are never satisfied with the things that are truly good. We can’t do it if our heads are so full of pornography that everything about our own relationships is tainted. We can’t do it if we pursue our work or the next dollar to the neglect of meaningful time with the woman of our youth. And men, here me on this, we cannot do it if we are not the ones demanding that everyone get up and get ready for church on Sunday morning. Do not let your wife or your kids be the reason that you come to church! Outside of their own commitment to Christ, you should be the reason that they go!

Lastly, a sanctified marriage is one in which husband and wife both put Christ before each other. Now, this sounds strange, because we are taught by our culture that we should be head-over heels in love with our spouse, completely incapable of life without them. But notice that the motivation for the wife’s submission and the husband’s love is not anchored in the other spouse. It is anchored in each person’s commitment to Christ. Whether you are single, engaged, or married, understand this: your marriage can only be joyful and fulfilling in the way that God intended it if you do not focus first on your marriage or your spouse. It is only when you submit to and serve the Lord Jesus Christ above everything else, even your spouse, that you can love your spouse as you ought.

So what about those of you who are single, divorced, or widowed? Well, there is a verse that sums up every Christian’s responsibility to marriage that I want to end on. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” You’ll notice that the writer of Hebrews gives a command that marriage should be held in honor by all. Everyone, regardless of marital status, is called to honor marriage. So, how do you honor marriage if you aren’t married? If you are young and potentially have marriage in your future or older and single for whatever reason, there are a number of things you can do. First, as the writer of Hebrews says, you can honor marriage by avoiding sexual immorality. You can remain abstinent until you marry. If you are in a relationship, set up boundaries that keep you from temptation. Don’t be alone in your house together. Go on dates with other couples. Set a self-imposed curfew. Do not live together. I know all of this sounds strange because our world has made sex the end-all-be-all of human relationships, but if we are to worship God with our relationships, then we must honor the marriage relationship, even when we aren’t in one. That is as basic as not doing the things that married people do until you are married!

Brothers and sisters, each of us is called to honor Christ in our relationships with one another. Whether married or not, we are to live in submission to Christ and put him above everything else, including our spouses. It is only in putting Christ first that we can know the joy and fulfillment of marriage that he intended. And, in that kind of marriage, the presence of God is clearly seen as husband and wife pursue the holiness of God by sanctifying each other. This kind of marriage takes real sacrifice from both husband and wife. It takes each partner setting aside his or her own desires, and instead pursuing the good of the other. But it is only in this kind of sacrificial love that God is glorified. May we all honor marriage so that we might glorify God through our relationships with one another.